Freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional.

Maybe I set myself up for it. I think it’s a rational assumption to say that I did.

I know that I’m capable of not being emotional in the face of this new (not really) development. I have no right to feel emotional for myself. I should be happy for him.

I guess I am… somewhere beneath the layers of superficial bitterness and petty jealousy. I know I am because I love him in as much as I can, knowing him for as little time as I have. He deserves to be happy… enlightened… to have the weight off his shoulders… etc… etc…

—

Of course I want him to be happy. Isn’t that what love is about? In any kind of love… not just the irrational obsessive kind. It’s putting the love-ee first before the love-r. Emotional maturity and all that.

I keep failing to remember that he needs all the support he can get. I keep forgetting that he’s mostly alone and although he’s having a fabulous time and learning so many exciting new things, it doesn’t take away the fact that he is still alone… and he needs all the love he can get.

—

Maybe just neurotic now. :) I don’t think that’s ever going to change.

That effin’ smarts. Lower lip. Cracked. Ow. Mommy.

This and paper cuts. Evil.

Ha. ha. ha. That is my response to the snow falling on my blog.

I am posting here because, although I am in a selfish state, I am unselfish enough (or so I think) to realize that Avanoo is not the place for a selfish post such as this.

This is basically a rant about whatever comes into my befuddled little head, as I try to make sense of this frustrated simmering egh I’m going through.

My lower lip is cracked. It’s driving me nuts.

Five months, just about. Maybe. I don’t really know. It’s almost an arbitrary number… it’s actually the result from a computation made with an arbitrary number. Arbitrary. Big word. Short bus. Free association. I stop.

Five months, maybe. Let’s say “five months” as a placeholder for the actual. Five months. I’m not even supposed to be thinking about this and I have a feeling that this isn’t what’s bothering me. I think I quite successfully kept it out of my mind for most of yesterday. Score! Okay, enough of that.

I’m unmotivated at work… again.

I’m apprehensive about Sunday… only now I think I’ve reduced my concern to the costumes.

I am speaking in code. Almost. Sort of. This doesn’t make for very entertaining reading. Neither does it help my future self to remember what the crap I was thinking about today. Which, aside from the possibility that this will help me sort things out, is the point of making a record at all.

Ugh. Five months. I’d like to think that my future self would remember what I was referring to. Two weeks ago… this is a hint. I can’t not remember. Then I will. But Jeremy will remember. Maybe. Anyway.

The lack of motivation is self-explanatory… well, maybe not… the fact is that there is no explanation.

Sunday is the Grease thing at the SFC Christmas party. I think my mind has (without my permission) decided to not worry about it and I think it made a very mature decision. It didn’t know about the costumes yet when it made that decision so I am still capable of worrying about those. I really want to get crinoline and long flared skirts for all (five! wow!) of us because that would be super awesome but alas.

I want to make my own paper too, for going away cards for people here at work. (I should repost my Avanoo post on that here… maybe). Apparently, I need a screen to do it and maybe a blender, but I’ll figure it out maybe. Maybe I’ll do it on New Year’s Day. Who knows?

I wonder when I can get my MacBook Pro.

Okay. I think I might know one of the things that’s really really bothering me underneath the surface. I’m beginning to wonder what I’ll be doing after the fourth. I know I’ll want to take at least a week of to get my act together… tidy up my room, put my files in order, update my website. After that, though. It’s kind of scary.

I’m still glad that I didn’t think of that two weeks ago though. :) I’m still glad that I’ll have that week off after the fourth. I’m still glad. But I’m also beginning to be scared.

I know I shouldn’t be and it should be easy enough to get a placeholder job if I need to. I think that’s what I’m counting on. But right now I’m afraid that isn’t what I’m supposed to do. Maybe I’m not supposed to settle for a transitionary job lest I get too comfortable again. Makes sense.

So I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m trying to focus (hahaha) on things that need to be done before I leave here and conserving my energy for that. It kind of worked on Monday but not so much today. :( I hope I can get back on fire today and finish most of everything on my list, in preparation for being mail-bombed again tomorrow.

I guess it’s a healthy enough apprehension about getting a new job. I’ll deal with it later.

There was this thing about balance on a CD about empowerment. I need that. I think that’s another thing that’s throwing me: knowing that I’m not balanced. I’m all sorts of imbalanced. Some people do well in some parts of their lives and not so much in others. I don’t seem to be doing well in any part of my life. I’m trying to take things as they come and not put too much on my plate but I’m still overwhelmed. I’m hoping that precious week will put things into perspective but I find myself afraid that that still isn’t enough time.

Again, I don’t have to worry about it now. All I really have to worry about *right now* is work. And I can do that. I really can. If only…

If only what? There really isn’t an “if only”. I just have to do it.

There’s a quote about starting being halfway there or something.

“If only I wasn’t thinking about it all the time.”

I’m not. Anymore. Really. And it’s something I can do. I can not think about it.

Okay, I was going to write something nice and halfway brilliant and maybe long about this. But it’s been two days and I’m just itching to tell the news. So here goes … I just hope I’m coherent enough

I gave notice of my resignation on Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

I love how this is not the normal reaction to the impending “loss” of a job and that I can say “New year, no job” (although I don’t intend to be long without :P and I am hoping to have time to look before I leave, between all the organizing I —sort of— promised to do before leaving)

The reason why I’m so happy is that it’s taken (seemingly) ten years (it was actually about a year) for me to finally have enough clout to do it.

It was the illusion of security, the guilt of leaving my coworkers amid projects and the doubt that I could find a job. So I put it off and put it off.

Besides, it was a really good job for a lot of reasons.

One, my manager is the bestest. She sticks up for us and for all the pressure in the company, she tries really hard to keep us from feeling it. She’s as laid back as they get, but she’s not a pushover (absolutely not). She loves us fiercely.

Two, I learned a lot from working here, I think, just for the exposure. I’d started in the IT department in this company, bec of my degree (no skillz here)… but she found out that I worked in Flash and PhotoShop and proceeded to pirate me away. Thus began my love/hate relationship with graphic design. :P

I didn’t really get to design a whole lot —I was doing more of modifying existent media and maintaining the front end of the website— but I got to learn InDesign and learned how to make mock-ups, use an Xacto knife, drink coffee. I say “hate” because when I did get to design, it often came to frustration :P though it always ended okay.

Three, there are a lot of Filipinos working here. So it’s not hard to find friends in any department. Plus, I don’t feel like an alien. It’s just easy to live when people speak your language. I don’t know how else to put that.

Four, the hours are flexible.

Five, my brother works here so I get to ride with him instead of taking the bus.

Six, I was comfortable. Even on the worst of days, it was still kind of easier to just stay here than stick my head out and risk getting it lopped off by a passing car.

But all that is history now. And I love it.

One of the biggest reasons for leaving is because I work at a “school” for a certain brand of spirituality. I am Catholic and striving to be a better one (long road there). I’ve found it disturbing (though I’ve always pushed it aside) that I’m marketing something I don’t believe in.

It’s not that I’m saying they’re wrong, but I do disagree with a few things and I don’t think it’s right that I’m not-so-indirectly telling other people to study with them. I don’t know how best to put it other than that something seems to be wrong with the picture.

So I’m leaving. Finally.

I have semi-vague plans about what to do next.

I’m definitely taking a few online classes with a local college to get my skillz (I’m enjoying this) up-to-date.

I’m definitely keeping up the few freelance jobs I have going.

I’m definitely going to look for a day job. (Really? Definitely? I did say “look for” and not “get” … Okay — that internal dialogue was brought to you by the LA Waste and Sanitation Dept)

I’m definitely going to go for that job outsourcing for that guy in NY who, amazingly, emailed me on Monday (more on that later).

I’m definitely not going to settle for something that won’t make me happy.

I’m definitely going to have more time for SFC and other worthy pursuits (dancing? maybe.)

But when all this is going to happen, that’s a question. How easy is it going to be? L. O. L.

As a friend of mine said, I’m on a roll. I know it won’t be easy but I feel some sort of confidence growing in me, a sense that I can do it. It’s crazy to think that I can’t because we all can, but I do think that a lot.

Avanoo in general has helped me see/accept good things about myself. You’ve helped me realize that it’s okay to feel good about myself sometimes.

Avanites (you know who you are) in particular have inspired me to go for what I know is right, to follow my instinct, to choose the positive. You have been there for me, with or without knowing it, sending love, thoughts, hugs, smiles.

Thank you.

—

My tentative last day is the 28th. If I need more time to organize, my lastest day is the 4th. From there comes the title… instead of the customary two weeks.

I was supposed to give notice on Monday, but I came in late and had to leave early so I couldn’t find the time. I was psyching my self for it, on the way to work and it really helped that I received that email from NY, even if I didn’t get to go through with it until the day after.

i wonder what it would be like to live in total solitude, with nothing to influence me.

i keep wondering if who i say i am is only bits and pieces of other people i’d like to be. if who i am is really just other people stuck to an empty piece of … person.

it does make sense to say that we are made of our experiences, thus partly made of people who have played important roles in our lives. but, in my case, it doesn’t seem right. i don’t seem to have a real identity.

when i ask myself what part of me is really only me, there isn’t anything. i wonder if it’s really so wrong. but it feels so wrong.

even this wondering, i’m afraid isn’t really mine, but sparked by isabel’s post. not “inspired by” but just a cheap copy.

i wonder if i’m just doing this for the attention. i wonder if every little thing in my mind, that comes out of it, is just something i heard, read, saw before. i wonder if nothing new ever comes from me.

i wonder if i’m really depressed when i say i truly am. i keep wondering if everything i do is just to get attention. for people to notice me, to like me.

babbling. i’m hoping someone will read and make perfect sense of everything. i wonder if this is just for today or if it won’t go away, unlike all feelings i’ve had before.

i wonder if everything i like is just because i think people would like me if i liked those things, or at least they’d think me interesting.

ugh.

i hate the thought of someone disliking me. i hate being stupid because i have it all going for me not to be. i hate that i’m so self-deprecating. i hate that i so often “hate” myself.

i just want to <i>go</i>, to just go.

so selfish. but it seems selfish to be in society and not contributing anything. but that’s just the negativity talking. of course i can contribute… i just don’t know how. which means i can’t, right? what?

i am waiting for someone to say it’s okay.. then i expect i’ll feel better but then tomorrow it’ll be the same again. because it’s a slightly different feeling and i’ll act as if it’s something entirely new and woe is me.

patheeeetic. self-pity, woohoo. :|

I’ve been trying to move away from babbling on this blog but I feel the need to rid myself of this urge.

I’m tired and hyper at the same time. I want to jump up and down but the office isn’t empty yet so I can’t. So I write.

But I don’t know what to write. I don’t want to write about my journey because it would seem wrong to write about something so serious in this state of mind.

I got a sweater from Hollister for $10, a few weeks ago. Original price: $45. Score! I’m wearing it today. People like it. Score! I like it. Score! It goes with my skirt. Score!

I’m wearing a skirt to work for the fifth day in a row. I might get used to this. I haven’t used my credit card since Dallas (but I did use my debit card twice bleh).

—

I’m worried about being called to quit my job. I still owe a bit on my credit card and there’s more than a little financial responsibility I’m accountable for. I know God will make it all work out, but I’m worried.

I’m slipping. I’m feeling further away. I didn’t expect it so soon. I know I said that I was kind of excited to get to where it wasn’t so easy to hope; I’m not excited anymore. Still, I feel empowered when I tell myself to trust God, when I say that I *know* He’s there even if I don’t feel all fired up for Him.

Maybe sometimes it’s just something to do, having something to be devoted to… giving my 15 minutes, trying to hear Mass every day. But I think that if I try just a little each time, to make it more meaningful, it helps, even just a little. It keeps me nearer to Him than if I wasn’t doing anything at all.

I still need to find the difference between sleep and meditation. Maybe I need to get my body in shape so I’m not so sleepy every time I sit down to pray. Anyway, I’m extremely grateful that I’m doing something.

I’ll actually be very disappointed if it was a false alarm that I’m supposed to serve, but I guess it can’t be. Maybe it can’t be because we’re all called to serve at one time or another. Maybe it’ll just take a whole lot longer than I think.

I’m still amazed by the patience that I have in dealing with this. I guess it’s the fact that I know there’s definitely something better waiting for me, even if I’m still doing the same thing I was last week. I’m just kind of afraid that I might get comfortable with waiting and not even see that it’s time for me to actually be doing something.

—

Our dedication presentation could have been better. Loloy, I don’t think so, but I think I may have lowered my expectations for the overall performance that I just let it go completely. I practically gave up making an effort. I think it could have been a lot better, under pretty much the same circumstances. Maybe all we needed was one run through right before the show. I know it wasn’t supposed to be a big deal but it took quite a bit of work to get where we got so it was kind of sad that it wasn’t completely entertaining. I have Loloy to thank for bringing down the house in his scenes. That’s the kind of effort that should have come from all of us.

I think I’ve also learned from Loloy the value of not taking oneself so seriously. I’ve let go of so many inhibitions lately. It’s silly, funny, and possibly embarrassing for other people. It’s a little scary. I don’t care so much anymore how I look in pictures, in fact Eyos has inspired me to even look silly on purpose… it makes a lot of sense too because if you do it on purpose then there’re no surprises for you. Hehehe…

Okay maybe not “so many” inhibitions … I can’t think of any more. Maybe smiling at strangers and talking to people. Maybe. I think I may have lost my train of thought here.

Dedication. I think Dallas may have felt more like dedication than the actual. Maybe because it was so big and the dedication was just the socal-west chapter. It was nonetheless fun and uplifting. It was great to see everyone so happy that we made it through.

One very special thing was the Glory book. I’d been eyeing it since Dallas and since they’d put them out again on Friday I was thinking of getting one before the night was through. Then Jill, Myca and Hannah handed one each to Rica and me. It just meant a lot to me that I got it without asking, without having to pay for it. Then I got another one for having perfect attendance (thanks to Jolina’s and Kuya’ driving). So it felt like God really wanted to make sure I got what I wanted. I passed the second one on to Khrista w/c seemed but natural. I was actually thinking of raffling it off to another participant but I think of complicated things like that way too much.

What else happened?

Oh Gen and co’s little Disney covers. Spectacular. Considering it was just a small group of people who pretty much all knew each other, they put so much good energy into recreating whatever they had done before that it looked very professional. I don’t know. I don’t think it was even planned that they would do it. The level of showmanship was way over what was needed for the situation. I don’t know how to say this, but I really admire what they did and not in an “oh how cool” kind of trivial way but in a really *admiring* they-inspire-me kind of way. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal but they treated it as if it was. And that was inspiring because we should all aspire for excellence in everything we do.

Bo Sanchez once said something to that effect, recounting how he was once assigned to clean toilets in the seminary. He strove to be the best toilet-cleaner there was.

So, yeah… I’ll do better on this blog next time. >_>”

Here I am again
Where it’s hard to say You’re near
But I trust and hope

—

Listen for Your call
Like a whisper on the wind
Subtle yet stirring

—

From You comes my strength
Without You, I am nothing
Meaningless, empty

—

To You, we lift praise
Your greatness without compare
Our Almighty God

The following is a list of random things I wanted to remember from the first time Kuya, Khrista and I went to SFC together. Some of these things I don’t even remember. I’ve just had this list forever in a draft and decided to finally publish it. *shrug*

• 405

• english - accents, etc
• sepulveda

• rose/s

• camping

• “oh” as a one-liner response

• christmas songs and langgam - this is from 2004 with Khrista’s mom

• Tagpi Biglang-lipat - Tagpi’s full name, also his professional boxing name

I guess it’s timely with the CLP finally ended and us being official new members. Anyhoo, that’s for another post.

(mandy moore)

For a time I thought my faith it must be hiding
Searching through the sky, hoping to find a way
A way, to get me through the day
Wonder where I belong
Is this where I should stay?

Lift me up when I am falling
You’re my friend when I was crawling
Now I’m on top of the world,
Top of the whole wide world

Yeah, you always been believing
Gave my life a whole new meaning
Now I’m on top of the world,
Top of the whole wide world

I was afraid to go to Dallas. I wasn’t really *afraid* that something bad was going to happen, but I was anxious, I was worrying because I didn’t know what was going to happen… the uncertainty was killing me.

Our trip to Dallas via Houston went without much incident.

I don’t know how to start from there.

Let me first explain that the above verses are right on the money about how I feel right now about how God had touched me at the conference. Actually, this is how He has touched me throughout my life.

Many times, I have strayed from His side but He always pulls me back, close to Him. So close. I am so very blessed. I seriously think I have it easier than most people and maybe that’s also the reason why I stray so often… because it’s so easy for me to be close to God, that other guy keeps me on my toes.

But I am even stronger now, by God’s grace. He has lifted me up and given me new strength, and like Mandy Moore said, new meaning to my life.

If you’d been following this blog, I’m sure you know how much I’ve been struggling to find my place in this world… a career, a purpose, a direction.

After our Baptism of the Holy Spirit during our CLP (Christian Life Program), after I’d been prayed over, I had a nagging thought in my mind. I had to quit my job because it conflicted with my beliefs. I had to give up school because I would not be able to afford it.

I asked my friends to pray for me, for discernment but the following week, I did not receive any clear answer. So I went to the Jump Start event at the Art Institute, thinking that everything was falling into place for that, had been falling into place for it so why not?

In the following weeks, though I was slowly becoming closer to God than I’d been for a while, because I’d had the chance to worship freely and remember how good it feels and how right it is, I thought little of changing direction.

Then it was time to go to Dallas. The theme for the conference this year was One Hope.

My portion is in the Lord says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him.

Lam. 3:24

I don’t remember when it was that I’d been reminded of my struggle to find a meaningful direction for my life. The first time I remember is when we were about to split into our chosen workshops. I felt drawn toward the one called “Give it All You’ve Got” and I was blessed enough not to have to make much of a choice because all my friends were going there.

The workshop was basically about learning to offer our Time, Talent and Treasure to God, as a form of thanks and praise for everything that He has given us. We also talked about the things that were keeping us from giving as much as we can, and how we thought we could improve.

One of the speakers said something that really struck me. She said that whenever you feel uncomfortable, a certain kind of disturbing, nagging, tugging feeling… it means that God is calling you to give something of yourself. In my own words, whenever you wonder if you really should do this apparently good thing and you find yourself leaning towards no, but you feel like it’s not quite right to walk away… you should do it. Maybe that didn’t come out the way I wanted it to.

Anyway, the point is that I knew that the Spirit had been tugging at my heart. I knew there was something I had to do, but I didn’t know what.

For the next workshop, everyone wanted to go to the one about “Finding your One True Love” but we walked by one called “Crossroads” — subtitled ‘Vocations.’ I thought, hmm… but went on with them… but then I think I said that Khrista couldn’t go listen to the one about love because she already has a GG (God’s Gift) so she said where did I want to go so I said maybe Crossroads so we went.

And the basic lesson I learned from that was that I needed to draw as close as I could to God and put my hope in Christ as a foundation for all my discernment. The priest who gave the talk told us to go to Mass daily, spend an hour with God every day and learn to use the Liturgy of the Hours. It was actually kind of a “duh” to me moment because it does make perfect sense to spend a whole lot of time with the One whose instruction you’re waiting for.

He also said that your career/job is not worth it if it comes before God.

Then we had the split session; the sisters were separated from the brothers. The talk was about Lamentations, where the theme of the conference comes from. Three girls shared their personal lamentations, then we were given pieces of string and told to tie a knot for each lamentation we had. My greatest lamentation, obviously, was how lost I was feeling.

The clincher, though, was that you had to tie the string around the wrist of a trusted friend and ask them to pray for your lamentations. Of course the only choice was Khrista, there was no question and I guess that fact hit me so hard in that I knew that my lamentations would be in her good hands. I guess I also realized (again) how special Khrista is to me.

I told her how I was still trying to discern what I had to do with my life. I’m not sure if I told her that I thought I might need to take an entirely different direction and offer my whole life to God.

When we were praying together, we both remembered praying before eating at Jollibee a long time ago. “Out of body experience.” I praise God for Khrista. :D

There’s a strength in me it seems I had forgotten
Now I realize today I’m starting to dream again
Again, ’twas a matter of when
I guess we all lose our way now and then

Lift me up when I am falling
You’re my friend when I was crawling
Now I’m on top of the world,
Top of the whole wide world

Yeah, you always been believing
Gave my life a whole new meaning
Now I’m on top of the world,
Top of the whole wide world

Sunday. The last talk was about the Restoration. The speaker talked about Nehemiah and how he “prayed in silence and waited in hope” for God to make a way for Jerusalem to be rebuilt. A Filipino missionary working in Costa Rica told his story of how God called him out of his secular job to serve as he is serving now.

You know how we have all our chants and cheers like “God is good - all the time” and “When I say one, you say - hope!”… for this talk, it was simply “yes.” To every challenge that the speaker put forward, about serving God and responding to His will, we were to yell “Yes!”

The speaker asked for a show of hands for people who knew they were ready to go on a mission for God, ready to go out the door, get on a flight to who knows where, to bring Jesus to those who need him. I didn’t raise my hand. “I’m not ready. I don’t even know where I’m going.”

Then we honored the 14 new nominees for the League of Extraordinary Singles (LXS), there was a video of them relating what they thought service was about and why they served as much as they did.

Then the speaker asked last year’s LXS to stand up. Then he asked this year’s LXS to stand up. And he told us to look at them and marvel at how God is working in these people. They’re a handful but they are *extraordinary* in their service.

Then he said, “Anyone who feels that they are being called into full-time service, please stand up.”

And suddenly I was shaking.

At first I thought I was just being dramatic but I couldn’t help standing. I couldn’t help it. Then I was standing, then I was crying… and crying and crying.

The speaker (someone must tell me his name!) had been asking other people to stand up, I don’t know what else he was saying. I was just crying and crying and I think all I could think about was that I was crying and it was getting hot in my sweater and I was shaking. That was it.

Then everyone prayed. Then it was time for worship! And what can I say about worship? I can say it’s wonderfully fantastic and awesome… oh and that worship was by far the best of my life.

So that’s my story.

You lift me up
When I was falling
You lift me up
When I was falling

You lift me up when I am falling
You’re my friend when I was crawling
Now I’m on top of the world

Yeah, you always been believing
Gave my life a whole new meaning
Now I’m on top of the world,
Top of the whole wide world

I know that God is calling me out of this life to serve. I’m not going to school anymore. At least not the way I thought I was. I’d been waiting for Him to tell me to withdraw from school and He told me just now.

I trust in Him, as much as I can. He’s given me new strength. I’m more capable of letting go and letting Him lead me, so much more than I ever thought possible.

I’m still not sure exactly what He wants me to do next but I’m happy, more than happy, ecstatic (excited, even!) to sit here and wait on His answer, because I know that He will answer me and I know that I’m in a good place right now. I know that He wants to use me.

I’ve wanted so much, for so long, to be an instrument and the chance is upon me. Just a little patience. He has given me the grace to wait. It makes me extremely happy… excited, because I was given this wonderful gift! Excited, because it means there are great things in store for me.

I want to thank everyone who has contributed to my formation as a daughter of God. My family; people at SOLV - Mazel, Ate Mel, Ate Jeng, Ate Jane, Kittie, Kuya Bob, Kuya Arun, Leda, Abro, Cookie, Cara, Paul, Tzarlz, Earl, Kuya Dale, Joanna, Nina, Andea; in SFC - Jill, Myca, Hannah, Rica, Sheila, Dollaire, Jindi, Lara, Mia, JC, Ich, Aica, Gerard, Ces, Loloy, Rose, JP, Vince, Matthew, Pat, Ate Winnie, Sari, Egbert, Noel, Joel, Niño, Cathy, Kat, Sarah, Cha, Gen, Toni, Kristel, Charisse, Evelyn, Ate Ja, Banjo, Dong, Ellery, Bing, Joanne, Ajie, Judith; and - Khrista, Citadel, Peewee, Gie, Ate Rocelyn, Hazey, Joanna, Arie, Ruby, Jomille, Jeremy, Fr. Jerry Bouska, Bo Sanchez, Fr. Gerard, Fr. Basil and all the priests who have given me confession.

Of course that isn’t everybody but right now they are who are on my mind, I’m sorry if you’re not on the list. Clearly, I forgot and that’s my fault but that doesn’t change the fact that you have made a difference and without your presence in my life, I would not be where I am right now.

Thank you. Thank God for you.

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.

Malachi 3:3

Edit:
Don’t think that it’s easy for me. I’m still afraid… I’m still not completely enlightened as to what I is in store for me. I know that I will be subject to the fire soon, very soon. The fire in me will grow dim, I will feel far away from God. Weak and helpless. It scares me but I know that God will still be there for me, watching me, keeping me from being ruined.

Trust and hope.

I can think of three smells that I associate with Christmas.

For at least fifteen years of my life, we had the same plastic Christmas tree and I had come to recognize the musty plasticky smell of it as a sign that the season was upon us. One whiff and I would be filled with holiday cheer, which is disturbing in a way. I have vivid memories of sitting on the carpet, in the dark living room, staring at the tiny lights on the tree.

Ahh, the carpet. Another scent of something kept too long in storage. For a few years, we’d roll it out for Christmas, set it up in front of the tree so we could sit on the floor as we opened presents. There must have been something about sitting on the cold, hard marble that my family was against (at least at Christmas).

And then there was the cranberry-scented candle from my godmother. It was a gift to the family one Christmas and somehow made it into the tradition, maybe to mask the storage smells. It had such a strong aroma that we didn’t even have to light it, half the time. All you had to do was take the lid off.

My absolute best memories of Christmas are of simply sitting and staring at the Christmas lights and smelling the tree and the carpet. I think there might be underlying memories that I’ve already forgotten, but which I associate with these things. Sitting there, I feel a certain kind of quiet peace. So maybe the act staring somehow celebrates those forgotten memories of idyllic childhood.

I remember a picture from an early Christmas, I was maybe 2 or 3. I don’t know where the story came from, it may have been a caption on the back of the photo, or told by my sister, but anyway. The story was that I’d gotten a purse from someone and upon opening the package, was disappointed that there wasn’t any money in it.

One year, I decided to do all the decorating myself because no one else wanted to deal with it. I conned my sister into getting a new Christmas tree and she ended up paying for new lights and a few silver balls, too. I did make my own ornaments that year also. I made stars out of cardboard covered with this stupid metallic plastic wrapping material. I guess it wasn’t really stupid for wrapping but it wouldn’t stick properly to my cardboard stars so they ended up looking a bit like crap. Silver metallic crap.

I am kind of proud of having mounted evergreen boughs below two second floor windows, all by myself. It took some rope and a bit of running up and down the stairs, in and out of the house. I think it was worth it, although you hardly saw the crappy silver stars. The lights made it all good.

I’m a bit of a purist when it comes to Christmas lights. I prefer the plain white/yellow ones that don’t blink. I like the kind that just stay on, or at the most, fade in and out. I like looking at them from outside, through the curtains. We used to have lacy curtains in our living room windows and they gave the best effect. It’s wonderful to come home to a place where the Christmas lights are on behind the lace curtains. It feels like coming home to the warmth of love itself.